Reflections on Walking

I am a little concerned still about intruding on someone who wants you all to themselves. I personally cannot be around alcohol and drinking, not that I would stop anyone else from that behavior, but it changes me in ways I do not like. I am peaceful and calm at this time, and alcohol is a sweet insidious poison that leads to wanting more, even though in death only the alcohol will win. I am so easily swayed. I think I will visit you, but stay elsewhere so you can take your time to spend it with me if you want, and I will let you stay with your mom and not feel like I am interfering. Because I would interfere, and I cannot be around drinking. Perhaps it is your intention to have me around to be a relief for you, or a distraction for her from her own loneliness, but I would take it on, and wear it well thank you, and would become that same feeling for her. A projection of something through a clouded wavy glass. Better I limit the scrutiny.

The Buddhist would say to take yourself to the temptation to become Zen around the temptation itself, perhaps that would be my task, to let go of the biased judgmental thinking, let it all go in the face of it. And by letting go, you cannot be drawn into, to the wanting to belong, to wanting to feel part of something instead of spinning off on your own. In my own family, I have worked to stay away from the projection: the one they wish they were, the one who had the problem so they did not have to carry it themselves. Around the people I love I have been careful to maintain my love for them and let the judgment float away.

You are a friend, and have been that to me, and I respect your care for your remaining parent, and your filial support, and your desire to leave a legacy for your children. I see you want someone along to support you in all of that, and think you wonder what it is that you could do for me. I don’t see it that way. Already I feel acknowledged and included in your life and that is a lot, perhaps more than I could ever want. And I don’t want to expect more because that will always be subjected to disappointment. So, perhaps I will visit without rebellion or resentment and that will be the task I will put before me. A moment to experience a truth in my life, and then another and another will follow and I can walk a path of freedom from reaction, from reactivity, instead I can walk from a strength from within. Kind of like what my Pilates trainer is teaching me, "move from your core." I move physically from the core, and now it is time to move psychologically from that same core.